This old man visits his doctor and
after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have
good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two
Patient: OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be
over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after
Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you
are going to forget everything I told you. ====================================================================================================== The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and
said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to
insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to
know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind
of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I
see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little
====================================================================================================== Doctor: What's the condition of the boy who
swallowed the quarter? Nurse: No change yet.
====================================================================================================== Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it
to a cracked walnut wrapped in used toaster oven aluminum foil,
what's wrong with me? Doctor: You have far too much free time.
"But, doctor," said the worried patient, "are you sure
I'll pull through? I've heard of cases where the doctor has
made a wrong
diagnosis, and treated someone for pneumonia who has afterward
died of typhoid fever." "Nonsence," said the affronted physician.
"When I treat a patient for pneumonia, he dies of pneumonia."
The Likelihood of Successfully Initiating an Intravenous
Line, is INVERSELY PROPORTIONAL to the Necessity of Having the
Line to Resuscitate the Patient.
"Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone
on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the
Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read
the picket signs!" ===================================================================================================== The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is
that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows
the answer is 4, but it worries him.
Doctor: "That cheque you gave me on your last
visit came back." Patient: "Sorry, Doc, but so did my cough."
My doctor is a very generous man. He gave a patient
six months to live - and when the man couldn't pay his bill,
my doctor gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to
stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you
put something like that in this prescription? Doctor:
No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
A British doctor says, "Medicine
in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of
one man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work
in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "That's nothing . We can take a lung out
of one person, put it in another man,and have him looking for
work in four weeks."
A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced
we take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man,and
have both of them looking for work in two weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are
way behind us. We just took a man with no brain out of Texas,
put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking