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Question & Answer
Who's Who in Medicine
This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.
Patient: OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???
Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.
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The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."
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Doctor: What's the condition of the boy who swallowed the quarter?
Nurse: No change yet. ======================================================================================================
Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in used toaster oven aluminum foil, what's wrong with me?
Doctor: You have far too much free time.
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"But, doctor," said the worried patient, "are you sure I'll pull through? I've heard of cases where the doctor has made a wrong
 diagnosis, and treated someone for pneumonia who has afterward died of typhoid fever."
"Nonsence," said the affronted physician. "When I treat a patient for pneumonia, he dies of pneumonia."

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The Likelihood of Successfully Initiating an Intravenous Line, is INVERSELY PROPORTIONAL to the Necessity of Having the Line to Resuscitate the Patient.
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"Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!" =====================================================================================================
The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5,
a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.

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Doctor: "That cheque you gave me on your last visit came back."
Patient: "Sorry, Doc, but so did my cough."
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My doctor is a very generous man. He gave a patient six months to live - and when the man couldn't pay his bill, my doctor gave him another six months. - Henny Youngman
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Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?
Doctor:
No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
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Medical Advancement

A British doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another man, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

A German doctor says, "That's nothing . We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another man,and have him looking for work in four weeks."

A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced we take half a heart out of one person, put it in another man,and have both of them looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind us. We just took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.

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Last modified October 2015